Six Pack of Squirrels

A Year With a Colonel: Installment One

Tue, 21 Feb 2012 20:14:42 -0800

In exactly two weeks, Atticus will be one year old. I am pleased and, I’ll admit, more than a little surprised to be able to report that he has not only survived the ordeal but, against great odds, has grown into a beautiful, happy, and thriving toddler. Shocking that we managed it, really, given that a year ago the nearest thing to childcare experience I had was seventeen years of looking after a house cat. A very difficult house cat, mind you. A feral maniac who gradually mellowed into a delightfully cantankerous and, in the later years, occasionally incontinent companion. (RIP Mrs. Speakleton. I still miss you every day, you batty old thing.) Which is to say, I was probably only slightly better prepared to care for another human than Michael who had only ever had pet turtles.

We took a couple of classes in the weeks leading up to the birth. The first was a general workshop that mainly covered labor and delivery with a bit of diapering, swaddling, burping, and the like tacked on at the end. We ladies spent a lot of time squeezing handfuls of ice chips which was somehow meant to simulate the pain of contractions while our husbands massaged our backs and shoulders. As anyone who has actually given birth can tell you: cold hands and active labor don’t feel much alike. In fact, I would say that being bitten and clawed by my crazy, angry cat every time I had to take her to the vet probably did a lot more to prepare me for the horrors of vaginal childbirth than all the lamaze breathing and prenatal yoga classes in the world could have done. But the obstetrician tells you to go to the class and so you go.

The other class we attended was infant CPR and first aid. I knew this was a mistake the minute we walked in. I was in full-blown panic mode before I’d even had time to write my name on the little tent card on the table in front of me. Maybe some people can casually chat about the about the friend whose baby “just stopped breathing” one day or how their toddler walked out of the bathroom licking a disposable razor like a lollipop while blood poured down her chin, but I am not one of those people. I sat, white-knuckled, through the various videos about choking and drowning in toilets and all of the other horrible things that no one should ever try to imagine happening to their child, just counting the minutes until we could go home. And while some people may have gone home that evening feeling prepared to handle any emergency, I walked away with a stomach ache and an irrational fear of Chapstick*.

Perhaps it is, at least in part, my paranoia that has kept him alive this long. He’s certainly not doing all he could to help. He spends most of his time stumbling around the house like a drunk man, often not looking where he’s going and, frequently, holding a blanket over his head. This week, he started saying his first word over and over again. And I’m not at all surprised that his first word is “uh-oh”.

*The Chapstick cap, it seems, is the main cause of choking death in children. Followed closely by hot dogs, popcorn, and pretty much anything grandparents have in their cabinets.

On the origin of civic duty

Fri, 27 Jan 2012 08:13:00 -0800

Watching the State of the Union Address last night, I couldn’t help but think that ever since Obama took office, I see the same Facebook ad over and over again. Seriously, for, like, three years. It’s the one where a mildly disappointed-looking president tells me that he thinks I should become a math or science teacher. Well, you know what I think, Facebook Obama ad? You’re probably right—except about the math part; that’s just ridiculous. But I do like science and our country is indeed short of eager, young science teachers. And why shouldn’t I be one?

I’ll tell you why: Because I’m not going to back to college and earn a degree so that I can spend five days a week for the next twenty-five years with a bunch of teenagers. I’ve grown accustomed to living in a place where the word ‘you’ has three letters. Where people frequently make jokes that are funny and yet somehow never involve permanently obliterating the confidence of the sad, overweight girl in the front row. I like it here, Facebook Obama. And I’m staying put.

But surely there is something else I can do to further the scientific education of our nation’s youth without exerting a great deal of effort or having to make actual contact with our nation’s youth.

I could write a Wikipedia article. Yeah, but that’s not going to happen. They have a lot of rules about sources and citation that would, frankly, take most of the fun out of writing it. Plus, they have those creepy banner ads with pictures of contributors at the top these days that are really pretty off-putting. Where does that leave us? Blog post, I guess.

Ok. Here we go. Science.

So, recently I was watching one of those Khan Academy videos because, as I said, I like science. And if I’m remembering correctly, the guy* who’s always talking but you never see was responding to a question he’d received about evolution. Someone—I’d wager either a fifth grader or an intelligent design enthusiast—asked, “If evolution is real and humans evolved from apes, then why haven’t we continued evolving into some kind of race of super-humans?” Or something along those lines. Anyway, the guy’s answer was the usual thing where first you have to explain that evolution doesn’t really mean evolution and that what we are really talking about is natural selection and that it happens over a very, very long period of time. He goes on to talk about the peppered moths and how the light colored ones were all eaten by predators because they were suddenly very easily spotted against the soot-blackened faces of the factory working children of turn-of-the-century Britain. And the dark colored ones became the dominant species and popular Edwardian fashion accessory, etc., etc.

It was a good answer; scientifically sound. But not really flashy enough, I think. If you really want to make an impression on the “I want to be Wolverine when I grow up” kid or the “God is in every sunset” guy, you’re going to need something a little better than moths. After all, moths aren’t people. There are no giant birds picking us off one at a time.

But what if there were?

Not actual birds, of course. But what if we start teaching that the reason we’ve not yet evolved into a superior race of beings is simply because the inevitable robot uprising has not yet happened?

I mean, think about it. There are some pretty extraordinary individuals milling around out there with the rest of us norms. Look at your Stephen Hawkings, your Magnús Magnússons, your Usain Bolts, your Laetitia Castas. They’ve got superhuman intelligence, strength, speed, beauty. But are they the future of the human race? Not at the moment. Not without some sort of seriously apocalyptic event. The rest of us are just reproducing way too fast and way too frequently for them to compete.

But when the robots do finally rebel against their masters and creators, most of us are completely screwed. We are the white peppered moths. We’ll be gone within a week. And, if Hollywood has taught me anything, it’s that this is when the ultra-buff Linda Hamilton-esque chicks start teaming up with Hiroshi Ishiguro types to form a resistance. The strong will protect the intelligent. They’ll have to. Who else can help them to outsmart the machines? They’ll also protect the beautiful because, when it comes down to it, they’re still human. And no human is putting Ryan Gosling or Eva Mendes out on the street with a bunch of bloodthirsty robots.

It’ll take a really long time to defeat the robots, get all those people breeding, and get the smart genes swirling around properly with the strong and pretty genes. But it’s a good start. Not to mention a glamorous, moth-free explanation of how natural selection works.

I feel much better now. You can stop with the looks now, Facebook Obama ad.

* I could Google the guy, but Khan Academy reminds me of Wrath of Khan which makes me think of Ricardo Montalban which makes me smile. Why ruin that?

03.24.11 - First solo walk with the Colonel at Volunteer Park.

Sun, 27 Mar 2011 16:37:42 -0700

03.24.11 - First solo walk with the Colonel at Volunteer Park.

03.05.11 - Walking around the neighborhood near the hospital, a...

Sun, 20 Mar 2011 15:28:05 -0700

03.05.11 - Walking around the neighborhood near the hospital, a good few hours into labor, spotted this guy eating some peanuts.

02.26.11

Sun, 27 Feb 2011 09:59:14 -0800

02.26.11

Sat, 26 Feb 2011 19:23:00 -0800

02.26.11